Intro-6. WHAT PATIENTS AND CARE-TAKERS OFTEN HEAR

I’d like to give my thoughts and suggestion on responses when hearing about cancer. First let’s look at the phrase” Our thoughts are with you.” This is not bad. At least it works well on a greeting card or email when you’re not face-to-face. And you’ve got to agree that it would be wonderful if others were always thinking of us. But eventually most folks, distracted by their daily tasks, would forget these best wishes. And certainly “My thoughts are with you.” doesn’t have the power of a hug, a kiss, or even a tear.
Next is the old standard, “You’ll be in our prayers. “ Now this is a controversial one. Let’s say party A meets party B and both parties are strong believers in the power of prayer; then, of course, this is great well-wishing and works well. But what if this cancer patient didn’t believe in God? Or, more commonly, what happens when the patient doesn’t believe in the power of prayer? Let me explain in more detail.
I believe in God but I don’t believe that God makes major changes in the physical world (like curing cancer) just for our benefit. Nor is God an entity that resides in heaven with a deck of cards, passing out favors to those who ask for help. So when I pray to God, I ask for things that I think are possible and in sync with the Bible: “Give me the strength to deal with this,” or “This seems unfair; help me understand of what’s going on,” or “ Teach me how go work better with Sarah,” etc.
Then there’s the phrase “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” First, the patient or care-giver usually doesn’t feel like putting in an order for services (“Hey, I’d like a back rub every Tuesday.”) And these words leave the patient neutral, usually eliciting a lame “OK”, knowing that nothing will probably ever happen. But I’d like to offer an alternative. Suppose the patient creates a BLOG saying something like “If you want to help me, please give to the American Cancer Society” or “If anyone would like to help, check my BLOG for times when I’ll be needing a ride to the hospital.”
(I should add that people at Marilyn’s work place spontaneously announced that they were planning to deliver meals to the house on certain days in a given month. Not a bad idea!)
Finally, there’s always the cancer survivor or their friend who has survived. Their message goes something like this: “Hey, I really understand where you’re coming from, because I had cancer too. I didn’t believe it but the chemo caused me to lose (or in some cases gain) 20 pounds.” If there’s anything a new patient does not need to hear is the bad experiences he/she can expect--or even the alleged good experiences.
The fact is, and many physicians say this, that every person is different; their own physiology (body chemistry), their psychological makeup (sensitivity to pain), and the particular doses they receive are all variables. Some people have a hard time keeping food down, but only for a day. Some people lose very little hair, some lose a lot. These messengers of hope or fear need to stop providing this history of their treatment, and new patients need to ignore them.
Dealing with cancer is so complex that I think the best rule to follow is to take one day at a time and try to enjoy the good parts of each. Also, the staff of most hospitals has medicines and techniques of all kinds to help you cope.